Tuesday, 17 September 2019

Beer Sales Up for First Time in Decade:

Beer Sales Up for First Time in Decade:

The world has started to celebrate with the wonderful news that beer sales are up for the first time in a decade. Scholars and tradesmen alike have started to celebrate the news that beer sales have skyrocketed. Heineken, Budweiser, Bavaria, Lithuania they are all on the rise! 

We took to the streets of Dublin to ask local beer-swillers what they thought of the news. Margeret Keneely, one of the few conscious women in her circle of friends took the time to rasp her gratitude at how much beer has improved her quality of life:

“You’re amazing. You know that. Like…If it wasn’t for beer, I would probably be dead. Well I DEFINITELY wouldn’t have been born anyway. That’s a FACT.” slurred Margaret or ‘Mags the legend’ as she demanded to be called. Waving her finger in a simultaneously friendly and threatening manner she continued, “ Like. Without beer, sure, what is there? Nothing. Like tv is it? That’s all life is without beer. If the choice is beer or Coronation Street- I choose both any day.”

She was cut off by her incoherent yet unstoppable friend, Joanne who was wearing distinctive devil horns. When pushed for a soundbite, she pointed to her mouth and upon closer inspection revealed that most of her teeth were indeed, absent.

In completely unrelated news, ASBO charges have risen so drastically that the Government are considering renaming them ESBOs, ‘Expected-Social-Behavior Order’. An upsurge in underage DUIs has resulted in the Boy Scouts introducing a ‘DUI Badge’ Division. 

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