Tuesday, 17 September 2019

England’s Three Lions Set To Roar Again

England’s Three Lions Set To Roar Again

CatchUp News was on hand to hear news that will surely delight fans of the world’s most Beautiful Game when one of its most eloquent figureheads, Wayne Rooney, spoke about a new feeling of self-belief that has been inculcated into the England squad by its Stresshead-in-Chief, Roy (I-love-opera-too-you-know) Hodgson. Rooney, interviewed during a bread-making class in Hackney’s E5 Bakehouse, is confident that England’s “fear-factor” is being strengthened daily. By the time they reach France next year, he claims, the opposition will be quaking in their boots.

This will surely come as news to fans who tore off their shirts and set light to them in disgrace after England’s risible performance against anyone who came up against them last summer; this included St. Mathilda’s Girls, a school for the mentally impaired, who thrashed them 5-1 on the brown field behind their school in Wetwang – though to be fair, England lost their talismanic goalkeeper Joe Hart when he kicked St. Mathilda’s star striker, Muriel Swedding, out of her motorised wheelchair on the six yard line after she’d shaken off England’s limp defence.

Just prior to this, Hodgson’s men had been catapulted out of the World Cup Finals in Brazil before they’d even had a chance to grow any stubble or dirty their silk Hermès boxer shorts. Described by one Glaswegian pundit off-camera as little more than a “shower of shites”, the team, captained by the ageing nightclub owner Steven Gerrard, exited the competition at the group stage with their lowest ever points tally, a feat usually achieved only by teams comprising part-time care workers and folk singers, not by overpaid professionals whose weekly salaries equate to the price of a modest terraced house in Shaggie Burn.

Rooney, who is sometimes mistaken for a character in a Grimm fairy tale, boasted of a “new era of greatness” that lay just over the horizon, promising substantial rewards for all those fans who’ve endured nearly two generations of raised hopes and dashed dreams. “Gone are the days,” he intoned, whilst mashing his manly trotters into a buttock-sized husk of seeded sourdough, “where we model our penalty kicks on one of Uri Gellar’s bent spoons. We’re a new squad now,” he charged, “a feistier, more go-getting squad.”

Such news will surely come as a relief to ball-boys around the world too, who are frequently called upon to recover balls twatted blindly over the crossbar by Rooney and Co. during one of their laughable penalty shootouts. With the players being “stressed off their tits” shot-accuracy during these occasions – as has been well documented by better journalists than I – can be a little wayward, requiring the ball-boys to venture deep into the darkest heart of the terraces, something that can often take up to 20 minutes – especially if it’s to recover one of Steven Gerrard’s misplaced exocet missiles.

Only the fates know if England can rise to Rooney’s claims in France next year, but if what the footballer formerly known as Shrek claims is true, and the squad really are dealing with a new level of embedded confidence, then who knows? Those three lions might just roar again – and if they do, CatchUp News will be on hand to add a supportive growl or two of its own.

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