Female Soccer stars Ranked in order of how pretty they are:

Female Soccer stars Ranked in order of how pretty they are:

The recent soccer World Cup final, which was televised and broadcast on Sky to a record number of viewers for a female sport, received live commentary and a post-match analysis by a panel of formerly professional male soccer players and one gentleman who had never played or watched a game of soccer and didn’t actually speak the native language but was excused because he was voted ‘the most manly man in the whole of mankind’.

The game was narrowly won by the US in a tight match that featured five injuries, a red card, eight substitutions and a hat-trick from the captain of the States. A heated debate ensued about whom would be voted woman of the match by the panel of experts following the game:

“She was okay. Yeah, sure, she is currently top scorer in the World Cup and achieved a hat-trick in this game but she just didn’t look very well as she was playing so I would hesitate to call her ‘woman of the match.’ Sure, she scored the most amount of goals and her technical play was nothing short of perfection but at one point in the game her ponytail literally began to slip. I cannot possibly excuse that kind of negligence from a female athlete. Whatever about her athleticism and sporting prowess, she needs to understand that this sport is being televised and a certain aesthetic is expected…I mean who does she think she is Wayne Rooney?”

After a couple of rounds of drinks, the debate continued,

“I completely agree,” slurred another former pro, “ the game of soccer does NOT involve the face. So…I basically don’t see playing as an excuse to reject support from foundation and mascara. To be fair, I would have had some of those defenders replaced due to the state of their eyebrows. I mean…it should be an obligation for the ladies to use tweezers if they want to be seen on tv. Whatever about the physio-where is the team beautician on the sidelines?”

When asked which side was favored to win the entire tournament, one expert peered at a still from the game before answering:

“The team with that red-haired one…you know tall, high cheekbones. Was she a goalkeeper?”

When it was revealed that she was refereeing the game, he took a large puff from his cigar and backtracked slightly, 

“Yeah…well, what I am saying is IF she were playing …IF she were playing then her side would probably win.”


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