Householders in Northern Ireland boiling snow as 6,500 left without water.

As water sources are depleting rapidly throughout Ireland, a new phenomenon in Northern Ireland is on the rise and spreading across the island. In an attempt to maximize the UK’s chances in future Olympic events, residents of Fermanagh have attempted to establish a new sport entitled, ‘Snow boiling’. This is a radical and revolutionary concept in part because of it’s originality but mostly because it will be the first time Fermanagh has ever done anything.

The sport of ‘snow boiling’ involves competitors being woken by several buckets of water after a night of slumber and racing to collect as much snow as possible within a limited time. Once they have successfully gathered enough snow, the challenge is to melt it as quickly as possible by pouring boiling water all over it. The first competitor to have washed all of the snow down the sink wins. However if any trace of the carefully collected snow remains, they will be disqualified. This has impacted heavily on the water strain that everybody is currently enduring on the island but has been described as ‘a great laugh’ by it’s founder, Keifer D. Hydration

The Tanaiste of Ireland and Minister for Social Protection, Joan Burton, has spoken out in defense of snow boiling. Joan Burton TD caused controversy in 2014 when she criticized the economic priorities of Irish people protesting against water charges. “All of the protesters that I have seen seem to have extremely expensive phones, tablets, video cameras".

She has shown no such distain for the innovative new snow sport. In defense of snow boiling, she stated, ‘Snow boiling is not the issue at hand here. The issue at hand is that people are walking around in designer clothing carrying expensive phones and yet, too impoverished to pay the water charges. I have great admiration for the snow boilers of Ireland as, at least they have initiative and it’s a fantastic sport. I would prefer that there were a nationwide drought than the people of Ireland spend another day, staying indoors playing angry birds on their i-pads. Up with snow boiling. Out with crush saga.

As the sport grows in popularity throughout Ireland and the UK, liters of valuable and irreplaceable water are literally being poured down the drain. Burton offered a solution to the worry that the popularity of the sport will further damage water resources. The Tanaiste proposed that Irish Olympic runners work in tandem with snow boilers and funnel the water into the runner’s mouths at opportune moments during training. Looking towards Rio in 2016, she suggested they combine the ‘snow boiling’ and long distance running events. Brazil better get all of their snow ready.

Catch up with you tomorrow!

‘P*** your pants scary!’
Ghostly Groping on the A40

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