Irish Public Displays of Affection have been deemed a criminal offense

A recent upsurge in public displays of affection in the West of Ireland has resulted in the Kerry High Court, named due to its mountain-top location, deeming any acts of warmth in public surroundings to be a criminal offence, punishable by death of embarrassment.

The ruling includes displays of warmth towards any species, even cute little doggies and adorable cats. The ruling especially includes sheep, who can be downright seductive in certain parts of East Kerry.

‘Board of Moaners’ has carefully constructed a detailed list of what has been deemed an illegal act of affection in modern Ireland. The list includes, but is not limited to the following: Hand holding, leg touching, hair smelling, major eye contact, minor eye contact, completing a sentence without ushering a sly dig at whoever you are speaking to, not pointing out what ways you feel that you are superior to the person you are talking to, addressing whoever you are talking to by their first name, speaking to that person at all if they are not in your family.

Those who recover from the so often fatal amount of embarrassment these treacherous acts of intimacy result in will be imprisoned by their own sense of worry at the thought of, ‘Was that a bit much?’ for years following the event.

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